Due to a series of requests and demands...I'm back after an unexplained mid-February hiatus to continue this blog experience. Having struggled with the desire to compose something profound and relevant, I've decided to just write about anything. And that 'anything' you find here is the experience that was my Thursday, February 22nd 2007.
I awoke around 10:30 am as the first order of the day was to have lunch with a friend. We ate at Mad Mex (a local Mexican place to inform my west coast readers) and the company, conversation, and cuisine was quite good. (How about that use of alliteration?) Things became interesting when I found myself having a Seinfeldian moment with regard to the issue of tipping. My friend was gracious enough to pay for the lunch and as I'm curious as hell, I noticed the tip he left as he signed for the credit card. Now let me please say that my friend here, who is in his 50's and affiliated with a local church, is an amazingly compassionate and encouraging person who has helped me out a ton during some times in my life when things were not-so-good. He is, however, a very bad tipper. On this occasion he happened to leave a $2 tip on a $15 bill. (that's 13.3% for those of you scoring at home, or even if you're alone) In case you're wondering...the service was very prompt and courteous, with our drinks being continually refilled...all in all...great service. Now I can't confront my friend about this because: a) I can't insult the guy like that after he just paid for my meal, b) It would show that I was being nosey during the signing of the check, & c) I would selfishly enjoy future free meals with this person. So not only can I not confront the issue of under-tipping directly, I also cannot rectify the situation myself by throwing two dollars down on the table in front of him because that would undermine his authority as the payer of the bill. Dilemmas, Dilemmas. What did I do about this particular dilemma you may ask?? I did the only thing I could do...I was shamelessly sneaky about it. While rooting through my wallet for something to write on...I pulled out two dollars and had it by my side. As we got up to leave, I made sure that he walked away first and as I followed him out, I covertly slid the two dollars on the table.
Now besides proving that life is full of Curb Your Enthusiasm moments, this incident raises some important issues which I would like to address. Here and now...lets establish some rules for tipping (aka - Desmond's Rules of Tipping Etiquette and Not Being a Jerk-bag):
1) As a standard rule...one should be tipping 20% across the board for great service. If the service was good but could have been better here or there, 15-18% is acceptable.
2) If you find yourself in a larger group (5-10 people) and the wait staff has been running back and forth to accommodate your little quorum...don't try and pull any of that, "A 15.4% tip seems alright" crap. That type of behavior is quite jerkish and reeks of that inflated sense of entitlement that is ruining this country.
3) When getting drinks at a bar, tip the bartender $1 per drink. If you're left with $1.75 in change after a $5.25 tab, I believe it would be acceptable to leave the $1.75.....unless you personally know the bartender, then you're just being cheap. Now tipping on pitchers of beer can get confusing. I'm going to say leave $2 for each pitcher and leave it at that. If you find that you can't tell the difference between a $1 bill and a $5 bill...then you better leave both because you're absolutely shitfaced.
4) If you're at a coffee shop...PLEASE TIP THE BARISTAS WELL!!! Especially if they are large and red-headed.
5) Lets say that you find yourself in a situation where you're flying from Pittsburgh to Seattle and have the responsibility of transporting a friend's bike (which had been taken apart and put in a huge-ass, awkwardly shaped box) across the country. If any airport employee helps you out, gets you a dolly, and carts the thing around for 10 minutes...give them at least $10. Damn you Justin.
6) I have NO IDEA what you tip for a happy ending. Seriously. Stop asking me about it. I don't have the slightest clue. Its really embarrassing at this point. Lets just move on.
7) My final rule is this...if you find yourself in disagreement with any of these rules, quite simply, you are wrong.
Part II of this rant will come later. As always, thanks for reading.
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2 comments:
About the large groups: Most eateries have an automatic gratuity for parties of 8 or more so that spares us from any tipping issues.
What about tipping mechanics? I know they are probably overpaid and perhaps ripping you off anyway, but doesn't an honest and reasonably priced mechanic deserve a tip???
The best solution, as they do in Australia, is to have the businesses pay a living wage so the rest of us don't have to worry about tipping!
Okay Damo... I mean Desmond, I only take issue with #4. Tipping your Barista's??? Wait for it... wait for it..., IT'S THEIR FREAKING JOB TO GET ME MY FAIR TRADE SOY MILK CHOCOLATE FLAVORED TOFU MOCHA LATTE!!!!!! If I walk into a decent coffee shop I don't want an oversized fire-crotch hippy holding his hand out for a tip when I just dished out 5 bucks. If you want a tip, stop buying the overpriced fair trade coffee (go ahead challenge me on how un-economically fair, fair trade coffee is), shoot that good ole black Juan Valdez juice into a styrofoam cup (by the way, my environmental footprint is made out of styrofoam), and serve it to me for 96 cents, then I will happily grace you with a buck for you to spend on your next Deep Sea Double.
I think I have actually taken money from the tip's jars at coffee shops, yeah, that comes immediately after I stand back up from holding my ankles following me paying for my coffee.
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