Some Late April Links

As another semester comes to a close, I offer you the people a peace offering of sorts...a bunch of links to kill some time until Mike Tomlin tells the people of Pittsburgh why the Steelers traded up in the 4th round to draft a punter!!!

* I cannot tell you how much I love this website. Phil B, if you are reading right now, this website was MADE for you. Play simulated games between past and present sports teams (including the NHL, MLB, NFL, NBA, & NCAA basketball). There are even dynasty options for college football and college basketball. After each simulation, there is a complete box score, an option to read the entire play by play of the game, along with the option of printing out the box score and saving the game. The NHL simulations include every detail down to ice time and face-off winning percentage! Again…this website is amazing; perfect for sports fans and stats geeks alike. I just played the 2006-2007 Pittsburgh Penguins against the 1996-1997 Hartford Whalers. The Penguins won 5-1 with goals from Crosby, Roberts, Staal, Gonchar, and Ouellet. The lone Whaler goal went to Kevin Dineen. I wonder how long it would take to get through a 162 game baseball season? I want to find out. The stats! The stats!

* Speaking of hockey...check out Edmonton Oilers prospect Robbie Schremp with some shootout moves that are absolutely sick.

* Tecmo Bowl will never EVER die. Now it can be immortalized in hoodie form.

* Speaking of video games…my friend Chris sent me this link and I’m begging anyone to please buy me this for my birthday, Christmas, or whatever. I’m so glad that the advances in political software and political simulation have come this far. I finally can have the ability to go back and take over the McGovern campaign, and lead him to victory against Nixon in an epic 1972 battle of wills. The entire nation will thank me.

* You gotta see this one link, it’ll change your life, I swear. For all of the Zach Braff fans out there. I mean...come on...silent velcro? What the fuck!?!

* This is a great way to test your web searching abilities. Open up this faux (Ebaumsworld) version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire & open up another window with your search engine of choice. Once the questions become too difficult and esoteric, jump over to the search engine and try to find the answer in 30 seconds. If you need to stall for a few more seconds, use a lifeline. Good times.

* Very long but very good Gonzo’esque article about attending the 119th annual Modern Language Association (MLA) Convention.

* Another fun, time-wasting website sent to me by my friend Rob.

Earth...like it or leave it!

Ramblings about Earth Day, as I have nothing else to do:

- I believe that my dad's reaction was of the "Huh, no shit" variety.

- How long before this day is celebrated in the name of 'America's Earth'?

- This just makes me laugh. And you know it happened.

- Do republicans not observe Earth Day, just like Jews don't celebrate Christmas?

- By throwing two cigarette butts away today (instead of flicking them out the car window), I did as much to help the environment as someone growing an entire garden full of organic vegetables, which reduces the use of toxic chemical-based pesticides and herbicides present in corporate farming techniques by as much as 0.0000000000000000000001 percent. Both of us are doing a bang up job, lets move on.

- Isn't Earth Day rather insensitive to other planets like Jupiter and Mercury? When is the ACLU getting involved?

- Do Christians not observe Earth Day, just like Jews don't celebrate Christmas?

- Peter Frampton, Jack Nicholson, & Vladimir Lenin all share birthdays on April 22nd. How did the activist powers that be not know that this date was taken? LENIN for crying out loud!!!

- Fuck Lenin! This is much more sexy and significant.

- Using a hybrid vehicle is like putting a smiley faced bandage on genital herpes.

- Any type of environmental activism would work exponentially better if Hollywood would shut the hell up about it.

- The smartest thing I've read about this topic by far: The biggest problem with Earth Day is that it has become a ritual of sympathy for the idea of environmental sanity. Small steps, we’re told, ignoring the fact that most of the steps most frequently promoted (returning your bottles, bringing your own bag, turning off the water while you brush your teeth) are of such minor impact (compared to our ecological footprints) that they are essentially meaningless without larger, systemic action as well. The strategy of recycling as a gateway drug — get them hooked on it and we can move them on to harder stuff — has failed miserably. We can do better. What may be worse is the recent plethora of “green issues,” “green guides” and special Earth Day sections that have blanketed our media. A decade ago, we would have been excited to see green ideas (even lame ones) given such prominent play, but these days, such editorial eco-ghettos strike us more as an admission of skewed priorities, with ecological sanity presented as a product feature, like a well-designed cup holder, rather than as a fundamental strategy for avoiding widespread collapse. - Alex Steffen of WorldChanging

- Remember when hippies were all about smoking pot and hacky sack? Neither do I.

- "Together, we can make an unbelievably negligible difference" - make the bumper stickers now. Until something truly progressive & important comes along.....I'll be the cynic. Plus, what is more fun than an event/subject that conservatives and old people deny the actuating problem and don't understand...& liberals and young people use to push other agendas, seem superior, and get laid. Good times!

The 6th Longest Game In NHL History

In an idea situation, I would be writing about the Penguins victory last night in Game 1 of their first playoff series in six years against the Senators. This, of course, did not happen. Seriously, it was not even close. But I'm calm and collected. The Penguins had their playoff virginity taken from them last night...which is fine because it had to happen sometime (my friend Pat remarked that it was actually their playoff anal virginity that was taken...and he was absolutely right). I fully expect them to bounce back and start playing the competitive hockey that they are more than capable of playing. We have two days off, we have Crosby, I'm not worried right now.

Besides not being able to write about a Penguins victory, I cannot even write about the game itself, as I missed the broadcast and only saw highlights. This was a little difficult for me, but it was the way things went. I've waited six years to watch the Penguins play in a playoff game and now I'll have to wait two more days. It has been so long since I've been able to experience the elation, joy, anxiety, and pain that is the NHL playoffs. Needless to say, for better or for worse, I'm glad this event is back in my life.

What I can speak to and write about is the glory and wonder that is an overtime playoff game. I was able to experience this from my couch as I got home just in time to catch all four overtime periods in the Dallas vs. Vancouver game. This marathon ended at 3:35 am eastern standard time. 4 overtimes...I ended up watching what turned out to be the 6th longest game in the history of the NHL last night. The players ended up playing the equivalent of 2+ games in one evening. The refs don't get line changes...they had to keep going the whole time...I don't even know how this is possible. This naturally raises two important questions...(1)Why aren't there substitutions for hockey refs and linesmen after the first overtime? Lets face it, there are not going to be any penalties called beyond that point, so what difference does it make to bring in a new crew to take care of offsides, icing, and faceoffs? And (2) Why aren't there 22 year old linesmen that can go out on the ice, keep their wind, and skate with these world-class athletes in an attempt to keep up with the game better, see more things on the ice, and contribute to an all-round better sporting experience? In the end, Henrik Sedin scored with 1:54 left in the 4th overtime to give Vancouver the victory. Henrik would later say, "I felt better the longer the game went. I got my legs going in the fifth and sixth period." Yeah...sure.

The unintentional comedy scale is off the charts during these long playoff games. The announcers run out of things to talk about and end up saying, "Its really a shame that someone has to lose the game at this point" about a million times. The quality of play gets terrible by the end of the second overtime. Players can't skate with any authority anymore, any semblance of a forecheck disappears, and shift lengths dwindle down to about 25 seconds. And in a way, this all makes for great excitement because at any moment, anyone could score and become the hero.

So I watched the 6th longest game in NHL history...and all it ended up meaning is that Vancouver holds a 1-0 lead over Ottawa in their best of seven series.

The stupid part of it all is that I had to open a coffee shop at 6 am this morning...a mere two and one-half hours after the quadruple overtime game ended. The shift is almost over...I'm tired as hell and I swear my heart is going to stop sometime soon. But I figure that I won't have the luxury of doing something this dumb when (if) I ever get a real job and/or have a wife and kids. So for now...viva Lord Stanley!!!

Good Friday

It appears that Good Friday and another Easter weekend is upon us. I've had a difficult time making a connection with this particular holiday in my adult life. It usually starts with the Lenten season, which is a time where people who aren't me begin to abstain from things, and fried fish is found in abundance. I have been a little more active this Lenten season by hitting up multiple fish fries, but I see these as more of an opportunity to get out in the community, spend time with friends, and eat fish...opposed to something that involves personal sacrifice and can be directly applicable to my faith. Palm Sunday merely signifies the fact that I'll be eating ham at some point the following week. Easter Sunday is still a time where my family gets together, which is a good thing. But somewhere along the way I seem to have lost or misplaced the greater meaning. When one anticipates the week following Easter because of the 50-75% off candy sales, then one might have missed some significance amid the marshmallow peeps and reese's pieces egg. Don't get me wrong...I thoroughly enjoy Easter candy, even though my mother has slacked on the whole 'Easter basket thing' over the last couple of years. I also enjoy ham, fried fish, and spending time with family and friends. Falling backwards into a Hallmark moment or a life-changing epiphany is not my intention here. Simply bringing attention to the fact that Easter does not hold the same meaning that it did in the past is an important realization. As is the fact that there is always the threat of snow in Pittsburgh through Easter Sunday.

Post Hoc Egro Propter Hoc

Everyone admonishing me is in the right. My ass needs to be composing more and more blogs. Everything is about content. And I need to be putting out much more content. Please keep yelling at me about these things. I need a good ass-kicking and some good encouragement as much as anybody. For a guy who doesn't really do that much...my universe since the first full week of March seems like a blur that was filled with a trip to Notre Dame, the NCAA tournament, filling out brackets, driving elderly gentlemen to the airport, preparing for another epic Deep Creek weekend, and actually attending said Deep Creek weekend. During this time: I've missed an amazing concert by The Hold Steady and lost one of the most intense City Shoes tournaments of all time. I've watched the University of Pittsburgh reach another sweet 16 only to fall just short yet again. I've had the privilege of seeing the Pittsburgh Penguins not only qualify for the NHL playoffs, but fight for first place in their division, something even the most optimistic fan (such as myself) didn't dream possible 8 months ago. I've also attended the first Lenten fish frys of my life and driven out to Latrobe multiple times for an all day Saturday class. It has been a busy month. But shouldn't the busy times naturally provide more fodder for this blog? Probably.

I've decided that I'm going to be that guy who puts links in his blog when he finds them funny, important, highly interesting, thought provoking, and VERY funny. So here are some links:

* This story is funny on about twenty different levels. Take your pick.

* God bless The Onion.

* Kermit...enough said. For added fun...notice the usage of "The God Delusion"

Things I Leared Today

(in no particular order)

* I have to duck when entering some bathrooms, depending on the architecture, and if i don't, it really really hurts.

* One doesn't know how awkward life can be for a big and tall guy...I was reminded of my stature again today when trying to use a bathroom that had a sink practically resting on the toilet. I used the sink as an armrest and just prayed for things to be over quickly.

* Mildly interesting side note...I'm staying on the second floor of a house that used to inhabit current NBA player Chris Quinn. I seriously doubt that it snows 3 inches in March in Miami.

* Speaking of sports...did anyone out there honestly know that the University of Central Florida was the #2 seed in the Conference USA tournament?? Are we honestly supposed to believe that Memphis is that good of a team when they steam-rolled through a weak-as-hell conference?? I'll give you $5 if you can guess the #3 seed.

* And a final sports note...nobody I know fills out brackets for the conference tournament. Wouldn't this make total sense though? It is the "bracket filling out" equivalent of spring training or training camp. Choose your favorite conference or two and fill out a blank bracket and see how you do. It totally gets you in the mood for march madness and can only enhance your overall bracket game. Go to any conference website and you'll find a conference tournament bracket.

More from this mini road trip to South Bend and other stuff later on.

A Day In The Life

Due to a series of requests and demands...I'm back after an unexplained mid-February hiatus to continue this blog experience. Having struggled with the desire to compose something profound and relevant, I've decided to just write about anything. And that 'anything' you find here is the experience that was my Thursday, February 22nd 2007.

I awoke around 10:30 am as the first order of the day was to have lunch with a friend. We ate at Mad Mex (a local Mexican place to inform my west coast readers) and the company, conversation, and cuisine was quite good. (How about that use of alliteration?) Things became interesting when I found myself having a Seinfeldian moment with regard to the issue of tipping. My friend was gracious enough to pay for the lunch and as I'm curious as hell, I noticed the tip he left as he signed for the credit card. Now let me please say that my friend here, who is in his 50's and affiliated with a local church, is an amazingly compassionate and encouraging person who has helped me out a ton during some times in my life when things were not-so-good. He is, however, a very bad tipper. On this occasion he happened to leave a $2 tip on a $15 bill. (that's 13.3% for those of you scoring at home, or even if you're alone) In case you're wondering...the service was very prompt and courteous, with our drinks being continually refilled...all in all...great service. Now I can't confront my friend about this because: a) I can't insult the guy like that after he just paid for my meal, b) It would show that I was being nosey during the signing of the check, & c) I would selfishly enjoy future free meals with this person. So not only can I not confront the issue of under-tipping directly, I also cannot rectify the situation myself by throwing two dollars down on the table in front of him because that would undermine his authority as the payer of the bill. Dilemmas, Dilemmas. What did I do about this particular dilemma you may ask?? I did the only thing I could do...I was shamelessly sneaky about it. While rooting through my wallet for something to write on...I pulled out two dollars and had it by my side. As we got up to leave, I made sure that he walked away first and as I followed him out, I covertly slid the two dollars on the table.

Now besides proving that life is full of Curb Your Enthusiasm moments, this incident raises some important issues which I would like to address. Here and now...lets establish some rules for tipping (aka - Desmond's Rules of Tipping Etiquette and Not Being a Jerk-bag):

1) As a standard rule...one should be tipping 20% across the board for great service. If the service was good but could have been better here or there, 15-18% is acceptable.

2) If you find yourself in a larger group (5-10 people) and the wait staff has been running back and forth to accommodate your little quorum...don't try and pull any of that, "A 15.4% tip seems alright" crap. That type of behavior is quite jerkish and reeks of that inflated sense of entitlement that is ruining this country.

3) When getting drinks at a bar, tip the bartender $1 per drink. If you're left with $1.75 in change after a $5.25 tab, I believe it would be acceptable to leave the $1.75.....unless you personally know the bartender, then you're just being cheap. Now tipping on pitchers of beer can get confusing. I'm going to say leave $2 for each pitcher and leave it at that. If you find that you can't tell the difference between a $1 bill and a $5 bill...then you better leave both because you're absolutely shitfaced.

4) If you're at a coffee shop...PLEASE TIP THE BARISTAS WELL!!! Especially if they are large and red-headed.

5) Lets say that you find yourself in a situation where you're flying from Pittsburgh to Seattle and have the responsibility of transporting a friend's bike (which had been taken apart and put in a huge-ass, awkwardly shaped box) across the country. If any airport employee helps you out, gets you a dolly, and carts the thing around for 10 minutes...give them at least $10. Damn you Justin.

6) I have NO IDEA what you tip for a happy ending. Seriously. Stop asking me about it. I don't have the slightest clue. Its really embarrassing at this point. Lets just move on.

7) My final rule is this...if you find yourself in disagreement with any of these rules, quite simply, you are wrong.


Part II of this rant will come later. As always, thanks for reading.